January 20, 2009 will be forever known as one of the most historic events in recent history: the inauguration of Barack Obama as the first African-American president of the United States of America. In light of such a watershed event, it is only fitting to reflect on other, similarly important events that helped shape the world as we know it:
Quintilis 1553
Improving upon the recently invented printing press, Johann Gutenberg’s son from his second marriage, Kyle Gutenberg-Stevens, develops predictive movable type (then referred to as T-Nein) cutting the time it takes to print one copy of the Bible from eight months to a paltry six. Predictive movable type would later fade from mainstream use when its speed is eventually outweighed by its inaccuracy, as seen in the abundance of unintelligible verses peppered throughout rare editions of the Bible printed using the method: “Genesis 1:12- And the earth brought forth grass, and herb wielding seed after his line, and the used wielding fruit, whose seed was go itself, after his line: and God saw that it was home.”
December 1787
Originally known as the Province of East Anuss, New Jersey is reluctantly invited to join the newly created United States after it walks up behind Delaware and Pennsylvania talking about the big cask party South Carolina is throwing at Independence Hall for Virginia’s birthday. Delaware really didn’t like New Jersey, but it had a crush on Connecticut, who was best friends with New Jersey’s roommate, Georgia…so if New Jersey wasn’t invited, Delaware knew it had zippy chance at getting its Constitution ratified that night (unless Maryland showed up).
September 1853
Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony–wait…Susan B. Anthony–found the Women’s State Temperance Society of New York to combat rampant domestic violence and lollygagging stemming from the abuse of alcohol and other kindred narcotics. The Society is short-lived, however, as New York women discover that enjoying drinks purchased for them by moneyed and eager young bachelors improves their comparative sagacity, phrenologically speaking, and increases vitality. Later that summer, offering to buy a woman a cocktail is made popular by J. Z. Patterson at his Forty-Forty Club* in New York City, as he deems every Wednesday to be "Ladies Night" during which time any dram or jigger purchased for a lady "is to be sold at fifty per-cent of its originating pryce."
July 1935
Paul Sperry discovers that imprinting the soles of his boat shoes with a herringbone pattern, rather than the traditional hound’s-tooth design, improves traction when walking along slippery brick paths of university campuses in the American Northeast, especially when reinforced with madras.
February 2004
Stalking officially becomes both legal and socially acceptable (if not expected) as Facebook merges cautiously onto the Information Superhighway. Photo tagging destroys the political aspirations of an entire generation.
January 2009
Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich quietly replaces his controversial appointment to the U.S. Senate, Roland Burris, with conveniently homonymic, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress, citing their shared fondness of brazenly flouting established penal codes and the inability of "those f*cking WASP motherf*ckers to tell the difference between two [African-American males]. You f*cking feel me, dog??? Ima get paid, bitch!" During Burress' rocky first week in office, he is arrested for illegally carrying a motion and sets the record for most bills introduced during one session after "making it rain" on nine-term Senator and President Pro Tempore Robert Byrd (D-WV). Senator Byrd would later describe the ordeal as "confusing and tiring."
*Forty-Forty, of course, referring to 40N-40E, the geographical midpoint between England and the United States. A popular political slogan at the time, "Forty-Forty or Fight," demonstrated America’s resolve to keep British warships on its side of the Atlantic, lest all out war be waged.
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