Gifts

The recent preponderance of car commercials portraying a bundled-up husband surprising his wife with a snow-covered, bow-topped, midsized SUV can mean only three things: First, those ads were written and produced well before the US economy collapsed more precipitously than Paul Reubens’ promising film career after an ill-fated, 1991 visit to an X-rated movie theater.* Second, the cash-strapped car companies could not afford to write and produce new commercials for this season, instead morphing the message of the original ad campaign from “holiday indulgence” to “a great opportunity to move out of that house you can’t afford and into the backseat of a spacious Lexus RX400h.”

Third, it’s Christmas! Or Hanukkah or whatever winter holiday you happen to celebrate (but really, it’s Christmas).

With the festive Christmas season comes the yuletide obligation of exchanging gifts, which proves year after year to be a stressful endeavor. Good gift giving requires functioning emotions (aside from those aroused by the vibrating alert of a new email sent to the Blackberry in your front pocket). As common knowledge dictates that douche bags lack such emotions, as well as thoughtfulness and the capacity to care for human beings not named Pete Wentz, they often struggle to find the right gifts. To make Christmas successful this year, try these DBH-tested suggestions below, organized into categories mirroring the complexity of douche bag relationships.

From Men to Women They Are Trying to “Get With”
The quickest way to a woman’s heart (patterned thong) is through her chest:

Celebrity-designed diamond pendant necklaces!

Women love both celebrities and jewelry. Thus, any douche bag can win over his as-yet-unrequited love and by combining these two innate desires into one Open Hearts diamond pendant necklace designed by Jane Seymour. At the affordable price of $129.99, one might think this pendant is only diamond-shaped, but it does contain actual precious stones arranged in an eye-pleasing design that resembles a cross between a startled rattlesnake and low-hanging testicles. Once you've purchased this surefire Christmas miracle, you might want to stop off for a three pack of condoms before exchanging gifts as this pendant will surely disarm any female co-worker, no matter how persistently she asserts that office romances are a bad idea.

From Men to Women They Aren’t Trying to “Get With”
With the absence of enjoyable sex a foregone conclusion, celebrate the slowing metabolism, atrophied libido and increasingly sedentary lifestyle of your loved one by giving her the freedom to use her arms while covered with a blanket. Any woman who lounges beneath a throw blanket for more than four hours per day knows that the main impediment to a healthy, active lifestyle lies in the fact that whenever she moves her arms the blanket is thrown askew tragically, exposing her entire upper body to the harsh living room elements. A Snuggie allows her to hurdle her daily obstacles with one well marketed product, and leaves the door open for her husband to vividly imagine being married to the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland as he watches Survivor: Gabon and tries to suppress his thoughts, both homicidal and suicidal in nature.

From Women to Men with Whom “It’s Complicated”
Douche bag women think about themselves 8,764 of the roughly 8,766 hours in a given year, the exceptional two hours being the season finales of American Idol and Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, neither of which are scheduled to occur on Christmas. Still, this impervious sense of self-entitlement can open doors to both holliness and jolliness. For example, what girl’s sort-of boyfriend (it’s complicated) wouldn’t want to reap the benefits of giving his girl a uniformly waxed bikini zone and the cleansing serenity of three free Bikram Yoga sessions?

To be realistic, any guy dating a bag-ette should be elated by any modicum of satisfaction during the holiday season, as she no doubt firmly believes that Britney’s new album Circus is God’s joyous gift to all mankind, and the falsetto, mournful track My Baby is a collaborative effort between Spears and the Lord (using His earthly producer handle, Guy Sigsworth) expressing their individual, yet shared sorrow of having a baby boo taken from them (so tiny, so small) after being deemed unfit parents in a court of law (though Spears eventually won visitation rights to her children).

*Holiday Party Topic of Discussion #1: Why does Pee Wee still get a bad rap for masturbating in a porn theater, while barely anyone seems to notice or care that Jeffrey Jones, the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, was arrested for paying a 14 year old boy to pose for pornographic photos and, consequently, possession of child pornography?**

** Holiday Party Topic of Discussion #2: Masturbating in poorly lit public is a victimless crime, like possessing marijuana or aggravated assault if you’re drunk and the victim was staring at your girlfriend’s boobs from across the room for like 20 minutes and didn’t think you noticed but then later as you both were walking to the bathroom you said something to him which made him shove you and then you poked him in the throat with the fat end of a pool cue and punched him in the forehead.***

***Holiday Party Topic of Discussion #3: He really was an asshole.