Traditionally, it is the expendable blue collar workers who bear the brunt of recessions. To the surprise of many white collar douche bags, however, this trend is being turned on its head. As the nation’s largest banks and financial institutions collapse into one another like so many intricately painted Russian matryoshka dolls, more than a few douches are left out in the cold.
In the past, many a young douche bag has jumped from the Ivy League diving board, cannon-balling into the deep end of Wall Street employment. That swimming pool has since been drained by America’s irresponsible lower class and its inability to repay mortgages they knowingly and willingly took on. Douche bags are now paying the price.
As a public service, DBH has combed through the classified pages of many respected newspapers and has reprinted below five jobs perfect for newly unemployed douche bags, both young and old. This list will be updated periodically for as long as the economic tsunami continues to pummel this great nation’s financial coastline:
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WANTED: Tweenage, liberal grassroots political canvasser for upcoming American election campaign. US citizenship and requisite right to suffrage preferred, but not a deal breaker. Job includes door-to-door canvassing during commonly accepted dinner hours to inquire whether each house’s occupants are registered to vote. Candidates should understand that the conversation does not end at “I’ve already voted, thank you.” Substantive understanding of relevant, contemporary political and economic issues not required, only an unsettling motivation to “Get Out the Vote” for no discernible reason. Do you have the ability to talk for at least five minutes without presenting a pause during which you can be politely interrupted? We want you!
MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS: At least one week of clipboard experience; pushy, holier-than-thou attitude; proper attire for men includes crisply pressed khaki pants with tight fitting, plaid button-up and white sneakers; for women, ill-fitting political sweatshirt over girth-obscuring black pants and sensible shoes.
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WANTED: Web-based ironic screened T-shirt company ISO female model with homespun mediocre looks for internet advertisements. Completely intact, non-reconstructed face and torso are a must; attractiveness and/or legs not a priority. Must have exceptional breasts that will coquettishly distort the design printed across your chest that capitalizes on a recent social phenomenon and is just subtle enough to take a few seconds to understand (and grow tired of). Great temporary job while you wait for the Ford Modeling Agency to formally reject your application! Please send 8x10 head shot and max 150-word essay on why the US credit market is in such dire straits and whether the European Central Bank will react in time.
MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS: perky (not droopy) C- to D-cup breasts; minimum 0.5” nipples; shoulder-length hair/wig; minimum 70% original, whole teeth; must be willing to be paid in unsold, XXXL T-shirts.
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WANTED: Constantly incredulous stock trader for upcoming photo shoot. Well respected newspaper seeks motivated, yet devastated, stock traders to pose for front page photos detailing the precipitous collapse of the world economy. Candidates should have a strong background in dramatically wiping various areas of their faces (eyes, mouth, forehead, etc.), violently flapping their arms, and covering their mouths with both hands while making a “Oh my God I think that Suburban just ran over Scott Bao…or maybe Tony Danza…either way it’s bad, right?” face. Candidates accepting the utter demise of the financial system, resigning themselves to plodding expressionless around the trading floor surrounded by digital stalactites, need not apply.
MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS: Ridiculous primary-colored jacket; conservative tie that clashes with aforementioned jacket; thinning hair; penchant for being amazed by the expected.
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WANTED: GEICO marketing directors ISO talented third graders (or educationally equivalent immigrants) to explore new depths of television commercial writing. Prior attempts by professional writers of the “Caveman” advertising campaign have approached desired level of ineptitude, yet have left much to be desired. Selected candidates will be tasked with writing 15 new “Caveman” commercials in order to run the once-funny campaign completely into the ground. Candidates will have at their disposal all the modestly popular late-80s to early-90s music and forgotten, C-list celebrities they can handle. Ideal candidates posses a one-dimensional sense of humor and the unique ability to laugh at a hipster caveman dancing in front of a green screen. Benefits include writing credits for the spin-off “Caveman” animated short to appear before episodes of the USA original series “The Starter Wife”, as well as a virtually limitless supply of orange Hawaiian Punch.
MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS: Ability to identify ironic situations in which a caveman would find himself simultaneously at ease and out of place, artfully portraying the existential nature of car insurance; at least four No. 2 pencils.
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WANTED: Prescription drug conglomerate ISO medium-sized group of 60 year old, white males for post-retirement masculine disorder commercials (4-5 males ideal).* Roles will include engaging in overtly homosexual activities such as driving in a vintage convertible automobile with the top down or going on a group bike ride through the picturesque Arizona mountains. Roles may also include engaging in activities vaguely resembling sexual intercourse, such as throwing a football through a tire swing, or feeding small trees into a wood chipper. Female actresses of disproportionate youth and attractiveness will be provided on site to play the role of the spouse (must provide own bathtub and platform for romantic beach and/or mountain scene.)
MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS: Prior experience with poorly functioning prostates and sex organs (otherwise known as “Male Bikini Zone Deficiency Syndrome”) to accurately portray the defeated, yet hopeful smile that indicates your shortcomings are the product of legitimate health issues and not irritation resulting from excessive bicycle riding or lack of attraction to your dried up, handbag-of-a-wife.
*Do not read this ad if you are currently taking nitrates for chest pains, as it may result in a sudden drop in blood pressure.
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