Baseball

With the baseball season rapidly approaching, it is important that douche bags are properly prepared, no matter which team they support. Oh, you’re already prepared? You watched a spring training game? Big deal. You signed up for a fantasy baseball league? Cool…stop talking about it every five minutes. I don't care which sleeper you picked in the ninth round of your chat room draft, you are not prepared.

It’s not enough to check the blocks if you want to push yourself into douchedom. One has to go that extra mile, but it’s not difficult. Simply remember the three basic fundamentals:

1. Red Sox
2. Red Sox
3. Red Sox

Red Sox fans have been roll models for aspiring douche bags everywhere since 2004. According to the IRS, Red Sox Nation is the designated country of residence for approximately 2.5 million douche bags living in America. One striving to be more of a douche bag baseball fan can learn a lot from these pros:

Buy a hat!
A backwards Red Sox hat is the most efficient way to say “I am a douche bag…throw me another Sparks!” Be creative with your choice, as there are many variations from which to choose: camouflage, shamrocks, girly pink, Japanese character (that actually translates into “rice wine vinegar stored in a burlap sack”), and the tiny socks alternate logo instead of the traditional “B”. WARNING: Medical studies show that wearing a Red Sox hat can lead to increased eye beadiness, goatees, and other Downes-syndrome-like symptoms.

Talk the talk!
Go buy a copy of The Departed. After your initial Matt-Damon-bicep-induced orgasm, repeat all of Leo DiCaprio’s lines until your fake Boston accent is as unbelievably dog poo as his. For advanced training, supplement with Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting. First, overuse the word “wicked.” Then, revel in your disdain for soft “r” sounds (i.e., “Matt Damon has a wicked hahd body,” or “Did you see Manny’s jack yestahday? It went like 200 yahds and landed the cah pahk!”). The Boston accent is the official language of Red Sox Nation, and thus, douche bags everywhere. Use it while you spew obscure statistics to unsuspecting listeners, but be careful to cite only statistics from the past four years. Statistics accrued before 2004 are obviously skewed due to the clandestine, government-led sabotage campaign that prevented the Sox from remotely resembling a viable baseball organization.

Manny!
Manny Ramirez : sucking at baseball :: Jesus Christ : remaining in caves for extended periods of time

What’s the relation? God flatly refuses to let it happen. Biblical historians proved Manny's close familial ties to Jesus decades ago. Thus, it is every douche bag’s duty to spread the word. No matter what you and your co-workers/friends/parents/legal counsel are discussing at any given moment, take time to remind them of the wonder and joy that Manny can bring to their hearts.

Dating

There are few things more universal than man’s pursuit of a woman. The driving force behind this pursuit, however, varies greatly among different cultures and, within each culture, across socio-economic strata. Human males plod clumsily down the path towards love in search of affection, appreciation, intimacy and companionship—a soul mate, if you will. The douche bag, however, pursues the opposite sex only to satisfy the singular requirement of his emotional and temporal being:

Bombs.

Tits, fun bags, boobs, ta-tas, cans, the girls, the twins, the Ying-Yang Twins, Mary Kate and Ashley, Maggie Moos, Wilson Phillips, Laverne and Shirley, love pillows, sweater puppies, Las Chupacabras, The Little Mermaids, the other other other white meat, God’s Push-Pops, balloons, melons, bazookas, Smurfs, Snorks, jumblies, jigglers, chin bangers, warlocks, ski jumps, torpedoes, jugs, hooters, chesticles, the Doobie Brothers…The douche bag vocabulary for the female mammary glands is extensive and possibly more important than geometry.

To douche bags, the size and gravital defiance of a woman’s breasts is paramount to anything else a female can offer. After breasts, the prioritized list of desirable female features (from most desirable to least) is as follows:

2. Wealth (real or familial…measured in millions of dollars)
3. Breasts
4. Attractiveness
5. Absence of gag reflex
6. Emotional apathy
7. Shoe size
8. Culinary skill
9. Compatibility
10. Intelligence

Because douche bags do not waste their time with emotions or intellect, they are adept at finding inexplicably hot women with enormous breasts. To win over his quarry, a douche bag relies on such instinctual weapons as repetition, bold statements, and an ability to ignore pretty much everything women say. Take a look at this transcript of an actual conversation recorded at famed douche bag haunt Liberty Tavern in Arlington, Virginia:

DB: Sup? My name’s Brodie, what’s your names?

Girl 1: I’m Madison.

Girl 2: I work for a non-profit.

DB: (to Girl 1) My name’s Brodie. You look like you could use a Crantini.

Girl 1: Umm…ok…

Girl 2: I’ll have a Blue Moo--

DB: (turning his back on Girl 2) Have you heard of I-Banking? Those furry Ugg boots really make the rest of you look skinny by comparison! My name’s Brodie.

Girl 1: I like Crantinis because it’s like eating fruit which is healthy and I get drunk, too!

DB: I know, I have a big Con Law exam tomorrow, but I figured they didn’t give me that huge bonus so I could stay in and read books all night, right? My name’s Brodie.

Girl 1: Beer makes me fat, and I can’t drink vodka because I did once and I threw up all over my oversized designer purse.

DB: When I was in the Peace Corps in Moldova, they didn’t have any purses…but the hope in those children’s eyes finally showed me that there was some shred of decency in this world.

Girl 1: [texting her “gurlz”]

DB: Why don’t we go back to my high rise apartment and I’ll feel you up on my red Ikea couch? After that I’ll completely erode your self confidence while I string you along for the next eight weeks because of my acute fear of commitment after enduring my parents’ messy divorce as a small child.

Girl 1: Can I develop an eating disorder?

DB: Sure!

Yes, the douche bag is a crafty animal. After ensnaring his mate, the douche bag will go to great lengths not to let his significant other feel important. If the female gets a false sense of security, or the feeling that she’s in a relationship at all, the douche bag will immediately become distant and develop a sudden “Kickball/Flip Cup League” habit.

After all, a douche bag must keep his priorities in line. Remember, the only things more important in life than huge bombs are different huge bombs.

Genesis

For thousands of years, douche bags roamed the earth unchecked, sucker-punching their way through history. Pontius Pilate…Napoleon Bonaparte…T-Rexes…Aaron Burr…Jared from the Subway commercials…These seminal figures ran roughshod over social mores and common manners. Until recently, they relied on short-lived trends, calculated language, and sheer numbers in their (often successful) attempts to influence the color and shape of the social fabric. But that was recently. This is now.

When peer pressure failed to keep hordes of flannelled twenty-somethings from throwing tiny rocks in the general direction of the World Trade Organization’s (WTO) 1999 ministerial meeting in Seattle, douche bags across America stood up and took notice. The preponderance of horned-rimmed, letter-writing, collared-shirt-under-sweater-wearing Metrosexuals in cities across the United States was beginning to threaten the livelihood of douches everywhere. Though notable exceptions existed (see: New Jersey), areas once teeming with distressed jeans and popped collars were found to be devoid of even one John Mayer fan.

A 2006 study conducted at 31 major universities confirmed this fact. High fives per hour (h5/h) plummeted 38 percent in the 10-month span between Super Bowl XXL (1,984) to the premiere of “Scary Movie 4” (753.4). In the same year, the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) reported 46 percent fewer alcohol-related automobile accidents involving Nissan 350Zs, the largest decrease for any douche bag preferred vehicle (DBPV) since the Mercury Cougar was discontinued.

The precipitous decline of douche bags across America led to a national crisis. In early 2007, President George W. Bush signed a presidential directive creating the Center for the Preservation of the Socially Dominant (CPSD). The directive charged the CPSD with studying the apparent uncontrollable decline of douche bags in America. But the CPSD would not stop there. Awash in federal funding, the CPSD would go on the offensive. The group sought to develop a strategy to combat the trend leading douche bags on a collision course to complete extinction. The CPSD brought together in one room representatives from such preeminent douche bag organizations as Accenture, FOX News, the New York Yankees, and the Chevrolet marketing team that created the “Our Country, Our Truck” ad campaign.

Their goal was to combat emerging sociological trends. After countless hours of research, hundreds of surveys, and three shipping containers filled with sugar-free Red Bull, the CPSD published a treatise that would back-hand emerging sociological trends in the testes. That book will be reprinted here in its entirety.

This is The Douche Bag Handbook.