Ask a Douche Bag III

Dear DBH,
I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw a man who looked exactly like Dr. Ayman al-Zawahri (al-Qaida’s fiery spokesman and second-in-command) and smelled unmistakably of jihad. I got in position to foot sweep Dr. Zawahri from behind and stand on his throat until authorities arrived (thank you, Walker, Texas Ranger), but my Dominican friend who was with me at the time was afraid he would get deported and made me back down. I resisted my vigilante urges, but I have not stopped thinking about the missed opportunity, and the entire ordeal raised a lot of moral and ethical questions in my mind. I guess the real question is: To what extent do state and federal laws protect me if I as an individual engage directly in the Global War on Terror?
-Passenger Fifty Devin

P.F.D.,
All pre-dawn raids across internationally recognized borders aside, the “global” war on terror is just a buffed-up moniker for the struggle every American must wage inside his or her heart. It is a struggle to preserve our American way of life, to prevent the blood of jihad from permanently staining the delicate poly-cotton blend that is our social fabric.

At times, this internal struggle manifests itself outwardly in the nose cone of a Hellfire missile screaming towards a Nissan Pathfinder bouncing along a winding, dirt road in the Hindu Kush Mountains. The struggle against the jihad, however, most assuredly hinges only on the resolve of all patriotic Americans. And to properly equip said patriotic Americans for this struggle, the US Government has enacted enough freedom-retarding, or freetarding, laws to make a Federalist move to Canada (or Upper Virginia, to use the parlance of his days).

Thanks to the No Patriot Left Behind Act (NPLBA), it is now lawful for an American citizen to immediately incapacitate, without cause and by any means necessary, a person whose name appears on the Federal Watch List. This list includes such high profile evil-doers as Osama bin Laden, Mahmud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jung-Il, David Schwimmer and current head of al-Qaida in Iraq, Abu Ayyub al-Masri. The NPLBA protects overzealous citizens who mistakenly wrestle to the ground terrorist doppelgangers with legal immunity and a free venti Signature Hot Chocolate from Starbucks (while supplies last).

In the event a citizen does, in fact, manage to single handedly hogtie one of the world’s most elusive terrorists, stipulations within the NPLBA heap great rewards upon him or her, including “forty rations of cured swinemeat; beachhead property along the Atlantic North West spanning no more than fifteen and no less than twenty-three Prussian miles (the greater of that which shall not infringe upon the sovereign territory of Upper Virginia, or Lesser East New Greenland as it was known, as agreed in the Treaty of Toronteaux); and a majority stake in Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc.”

Legislative language can be complicated at times, but suffice it to say that any American willing to risk the inconvenience of minor abrasions or a twenty-minute court appearance for the sake of freedom will be well compensated.

So the next time you get an uneasy feeling about the two Arab-looking guys sitting next to you at Wendy’s who seem to be innocently discussing their Netflix queues (but you think they’re giving each other coded messages because they keep mentioning “Maid in Manhattan” and “Arlington Road” and “Weekend at Bernies II” and one of them is making menacing motions with the light saber app on his iPhone) don’t think twice about front kicking either of them in the teeth and blowing your terrorism/rape whistle as hard as you can. It is your duty.
-DBH