Ask a Douche Bag II

Thanks for all the emails! Keep them coming to dbhandbook@gmail.com and let DBH solve your problems.

Dear DBH,
I was on a first date with a guy last night and he offered to give me a free television. I mentioned that mine was broken earlier in the night and I’m not going to lie…I really do need the TV. I almost accepted his offer, but when he offered to pick it up on the way home from dinner and bring it over to my house, I became suspicious. Could he have had an ulterior motive?
-Miss Ingmy House

Miss House,
Was it a flat screen? What’s his number…

To explain what you experienced, the DBH should first introduce its theory on first dates, summed up into an analogy with which all women can identify: “The Cupcake Theory.”

Surprisingly, first dates and cupcakes share a common bond: a man has no fervent opinion, neither positive nor negative, towards either party of the analogy; yet the intense, insulin churning female reaction to both is readily apparent to all. No woman can resist cupcakes…not even she who claims to be on a diet and can’t eat cupcakes because they’re all carbs and would cost her too many Weight Watchers points (even if she chased it with a handful of Benefiber…it’s happened…) and she really, really wants to fit into that two-piece she bought when she was 13 before going South Padre Island with her high school crew this Spring.

Thus, in an attempt to link the woman’s high emotional expectations of a first date with her positive affinity towards baked goods, the man creates a cupcake for the woman, metaphorically speaking. He starts with a solid base of polite charm, throws in proof of employment and the absence of felony charges stemming from a methamphetamine lab he once operated in Louisa County, sprinkles in positive references of his mother, and combines thoroughly with copious amounts of free wine and appetizers (or appeteasers, depending on his income bracket). He bakes this mixture at 375 degrees of awkward commentary on flipcupObamaDarfurhousingcrisis for 45 minutes, or until he inserts a toothpick deep into his ear and it comes out clean.

To be sure, this is a complicated and arduous process. It can be quite disappointing for the man if the woman rejects his cupcake at the end of the evening, especially if it is in favor of the Joop!-drenched cupcake sitting two tables over eating the Asian chicken salad and sipping on a balloon glass of Malbecthesmarmybastard…

But the man has one final fallback strategy, as no cupcake is complete without a thick layer of Desperation Icing. In order to increase his chance of success, the man tops his cupcake with sugary deal sweeteners such as clothing, a 50 percent stake in the man’s current and future asset portfolio (to include children and/or dogs), the promise of more free food, or big ticket electronics. Often, the desperation icing is a last-ditch, targeted attempt to gain entry into the woman’s apartment or even bedroom (‘I have this unwrapped closet shelving system that’s just lying around my apartment…why don’t I bring it over and install it for you tonight!’).

A WARNING TO MEN: Understand that topping your cupcake with desperation icing is risky business, no matter how big the potential payoff. For example, DBH has received letters from countless male victims of Wii and Run, an increasingly common result of botched desperation icing wherein a female graciously accepts an expensive and hard to find gaming console, only to break off the relationship (whether nascent or long standing) days later. Other not-so-desirable outcomes of desperation icing include Louis Vi-Gone! and Thanks for the Year of Free Verizon Fi’mbreakingupwithyou.

-DBH