Ask a Douche Bag III

Dear DBH,
I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw a man who looked exactly like Dr. Ayman al-Zawahri (al-Qaida’s fiery spokesman and second-in-command) and smelled unmistakably of jihad. I got in position to foot sweep Dr. Zawahri from behind and stand on his throat until authorities arrived (thank you, Walker, Texas Ranger), but my Dominican friend who was with me at the time was afraid he would get deported and made me back down. I resisted my vigilante urges, but I have not stopped thinking about the missed opportunity, and the entire ordeal raised a lot of moral and ethical questions in my mind. I guess the real question is: To what extent do state and federal laws protect me if I as an individual engage directly in the Global War on Terror?
-Passenger Fifty Devin

P.F.D.,
All pre-dawn raids across internationally recognized borders aside, the “global” war on terror is just a buffed-up moniker for the struggle every American must wage inside his or her heart. It is a struggle to preserve our American way of life, to prevent the blood of jihad from permanently staining the delicate poly-cotton blend that is our social fabric.

At times, this internal struggle manifests itself outwardly in the nose cone of a Hellfire missile screaming towards a Nissan Pathfinder bouncing along a winding, dirt road in the Hindu Kush Mountains. The struggle against the jihad, however, most assuredly hinges only on the resolve of all patriotic Americans. And to properly equip said patriotic Americans for this struggle, the US Government has enacted enough freedom-retarding, or freetarding, laws to make a Federalist move to Canada (or Upper Virginia, to use the parlance of his days).

Thanks to the No Patriot Left Behind Act (NPLBA), it is now lawful for an American citizen to immediately incapacitate, without cause and by any means necessary, a person whose name appears on the Federal Watch List. This list includes such high profile evil-doers as Osama bin Laden, Mahmud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jung-Il, David Schwimmer and current head of al-Qaida in Iraq, Abu Ayyub al-Masri. The NPLBA protects overzealous citizens who mistakenly wrestle to the ground terrorist doppelgangers with legal immunity and a free venti Signature Hot Chocolate from Starbucks (while supplies last).

In the event a citizen does, in fact, manage to single handedly hogtie one of the world’s most elusive terrorists, stipulations within the NPLBA heap great rewards upon him or her, including “forty rations of cured swinemeat; beachhead property along the Atlantic North West spanning no more than fifteen and no less than twenty-three Prussian miles (the greater of that which shall not infringe upon the sovereign territory of Upper Virginia, or Lesser East New Greenland as it was known, as agreed in the Treaty of Toronteaux); and a majority stake in Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc.”

Legislative language can be complicated at times, but suffice it to say that any American willing to risk the inconvenience of minor abrasions or a twenty-minute court appearance for the sake of freedom will be well compensated.

So the next time you get an uneasy feeling about the two Arab-looking guys sitting next to you at Wendy’s who seem to be innocently discussing their Netflix queues (but you think they’re giving each other coded messages because they keep mentioning “Maid in Manhattan” and “Arlington Road” and “Weekend at Bernies II” and one of them is making menacing motions with the light saber app on his iPhone) don’t think twice about front kicking either of them in the teeth and blowing your terrorism/rape whistle as hard as you can. It is your duty.
-DBH

Ask a Douche Bag II

Thanks for all the emails! Keep them coming to dbhandbook@gmail.com and let DBH solve your problems.

Dear DBH,
I was on a first date with a guy last night and he offered to give me a free television. I mentioned that mine was broken earlier in the night and I’m not going to lie…I really do need the TV. I almost accepted his offer, but when he offered to pick it up on the way home from dinner and bring it over to my house, I became suspicious. Could he have had an ulterior motive?
-Miss Ingmy House

Miss House,
Was it a flat screen? What’s his number…

To explain what you experienced, the DBH should first introduce its theory on first dates, summed up into an analogy with which all women can identify: “The Cupcake Theory.”

Surprisingly, first dates and cupcakes share a common bond: a man has no fervent opinion, neither positive nor negative, towards either party of the analogy; yet the intense, insulin churning female reaction to both is readily apparent to all. No woman can resist cupcakes…not even she who claims to be on a diet and can’t eat cupcakes because they’re all carbs and would cost her too many Weight Watchers points (even if she chased it with a handful of Benefiber…it’s happened…) and she really, really wants to fit into that two-piece she bought when she was 13 before going South Padre Island with her high school crew this Spring.

Thus, in an attempt to link the woman’s high emotional expectations of a first date with her positive affinity towards baked goods, the man creates a cupcake for the woman, metaphorically speaking. He starts with a solid base of polite charm, throws in proof of employment and the absence of felony charges stemming from a methamphetamine lab he once operated in Louisa County, sprinkles in positive references of his mother, and combines thoroughly with copious amounts of free wine and appetizers (or appeteasers, depending on his income bracket). He bakes this mixture at 375 degrees of awkward commentary on flipcupObamaDarfurhousingcrisis for 45 minutes, or until he inserts a toothpick deep into his ear and it comes out clean.

To be sure, this is a complicated and arduous process. It can be quite disappointing for the man if the woman rejects his cupcake at the end of the evening, especially if it is in favor of the Joop!-drenched cupcake sitting two tables over eating the Asian chicken salad and sipping on a balloon glass of Malbecthesmarmybastard…

But the man has one final fallback strategy, as no cupcake is complete without a thick layer of Desperation Icing. In order to increase his chance of success, the man tops his cupcake with sugary deal sweeteners such as clothing, a 50 percent stake in the man’s current and future asset portfolio (to include children and/or dogs), the promise of more free food, or big ticket electronics. Often, the desperation icing is a last-ditch, targeted attempt to gain entry into the woman’s apartment or even bedroom (‘I have this unwrapped closet shelving system that’s just lying around my apartment…why don’t I bring it over and install it for you tonight!’).

A WARNING TO MEN: Understand that topping your cupcake with desperation icing is risky business, no matter how big the potential payoff. For example, DBH has received letters from countless male victims of Wii and Run, an increasingly common result of botched desperation icing wherein a female graciously accepts an expensive and hard to find gaming console, only to break off the relationship (whether nascent or long standing) days later. Other not-so-desirable outcomes of desperation icing include Louis Vi-Gone! and Thanks for the Year of Free Verizon Fi’mbreakingupwithyou.

-DBH

Ask a Douche Bag

Welcome to the first and only advice column written for douche bags, by douche bags! It may be shocking to learn that a douche bag’s life could be anything but perfect, what with 300 Hollywood Tans locations in the US and abroad (now paying customers can finally get a tan in Dubai!). The reality is that douche bags have problems, too, and not all of them can be solved by Red Bull or grad school. That’s where DBH comes in.

Email your problems to dbhandbook@gmail.com and let DBH gently nudge you over life’s most inconveniencing hurdles!

Dear DBH,
I’m really interested in this girl I saw dancing in a cage at Fur last weekend. I’m not usually the love-at-first-sight kind of guy, but I was entranced by her rhythmic gyrations and her Ugg boots. She also open-mouth kissed one of her gurlz during a Katy Perry song. I want to buy her a drink the next time I see her, what should I order?
-Flirty Martini

F.M.,
Buying a drink for a girl at a bar or night club is a fast and easy way to say, “It would really help me out if your judgment was severely impaired for the rest of the night,” without screaming over T.I.’s enlightening lyrics. Every girl loves the attention and cost-effectiveness of having drinks bought for them. To a girl, however, the drink you buy says more about your opinion of her than it does about yourself. For instance, sending a Bud Light to that brunette at the end of the bar could be perceived more as a statement on the snow white love handles cascading over her black “going out” pants than a gentlemanly gesture. Make sure you send the right signal. Here are some suggestions and the implied messages they may convey:

Cosmopolitan: Your Jimmy Choo handbag and outwardly apparent emotional instability reminds me of the characters from Sex and the City…isn’t this what they always drink? I really hope you’re the slutty blond one out of your friend group. I liked her in Mannequin…

Jager-bomb: I want you to black out so I can take you back to my apartment in Court House where you will wake up in the middle of the night to throw up on my Tempurpedic pillow and night stand. Hope you didn’t eat noodles tonight!

Red-Headed Slut: I was trying to ask the bar tender if he knew the name of that girl at the end of the bar, but he thought I was ordering you a drink. Let’s have some forced conversation and then move to the dance floor so you can rub your sparkly body lotion and lipstick all over my expensive, lavender Armani Exchange shirt.

Red wine: You look like a 40 year old single mother and I want to spend the rest of my evening pretending to think you’re 27 and claiming that your seven inch C-section scar is barely noticeable, even up close.
-DBH