Leaked 2008 VP Debate Transcript

Can you smell it in the air? Election season is at full tilt. Undecided voters across the nation are being bombarded with red and blue splotches of propaganda, left to wipe the 30-second spots of mud from their TV screens with their blue-collared, rolled up shirt sleeves, smearing it in vain (incidentally, this is the preferred filter through which to view such half-assed programming as Two and a Half Men or Tyler Perry’s House of Payne…if you can cram some of the mud into the speakers to block the painfully predictable banter that passes for network sitcom humor, even better).

This campaign season, all eyes are focused squarely on the (mind-boggling) newcomer to the national stage: the rogue, anti-establishment senior class secretary of Wasilla High School, Sarah Palin (she used college-ruled paper, even in high school). Voters on all sides of the political Octagon are waiting with baited breath to see her appear on stage near her Democratic counterpart, Sen. Joe Biden. Though the networks are waiting until October 2 to air the debates, DBH has obtained a leaked transcript of the pre-recorded affair. Here’s an excerpt:

Announcer: Broadcasting live from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate. [applause] Now, from the hit morning info-grab bag hour “Fox and Friends,” please welcome your moderator, Gretchen Carlson! [applause]

Gretchen: Good evening, Missouri!! Thank you! Wow, thank you. It’s such an honor to moderate this, the first vice presidential debate of the 2008 election. Let’s get right down to business, as I’m sure you all are as eager as I am to hear Governor Sarah Palin and Representative—I’m sorry…Senator Tom Biden—square off on the tough issues facing our nation today. First, let me introduce my co-moderators for tonight’s debates.

To my right, directing his questions to Governor Palin this evening is my esteemed colleague from FOX News, Sean Hannity. [applause] As you can see, Sean is dressed tonight as “Snow Machine Reagan” so as to appear comforting and inspiring to Governor Palin as she read—responds to his hard-hitting questions.

And to my left, directing her questions to Mayor Biden is eight-year-old Brownie Girl Scout and bone cancer survivor Emily Jenkins, who has recently been diagnosed yet again with cancer in a different and less curable bone. [somber applause]

This evening’s debate will begin with a half-hour question-and-answer period. After the first round, we will remove the podiums from the stage and the candidates will participate in a timed field dressing competition, using two lovely mule deer bucks shot right here in the great state of Missouri! [loud applause]

Mr. Hannity, we’ll start with your first question. In keeping with the debate rules, Governor Palin will have 30 seconds to respond, including the time it takes Mr. Hannity to ask the question. That’s a lovely snow machine you’re sitting on, Sean.

Hannity: Thank you, Gretchen. This is actually the snow machine Todd Palin rode to 16 straight Anchorage Grand Prix championships dating back to the early 90s. Remarkable story.

My first question is this: Governor Palin, how can one human female have as much courage as you do to be the Commander-in-Chief of Alaska, clearly one of the most important states in the Union with regard to overall area, economic impact and international relations? I would think that critical position would be entrusted to a room of supercomputers, processing terabytes of information at any given moment. The average human can only process a mere fraction of that. Do you, in fact, have superhuman mental capabilities, or are you some kind of cybernetic, artificial-intelligence-infused being sent to America as a gift from Japan?

Palin: That is a great question, Sean. I think what I’ve done in Alaska, oil and special interests, standing up to those who needed to be stood up to, really when you think about it our border with Russia and Canada. The Alaska National Guard is tackling some really tough issues right now and as I cut over $500,000,000 in earmarks from the state budget.

Hannity: What divine eloquence we are all blessed to witness on this day. Thank you for honoring my question with your answer. [applause]

Gretchen: Ok, now over to Ms. Jenkins for her first question. Senator Biden will have eight minutes for his response.

Emily: Mr. Biden, you’ve been in the United States Senate since 1972, during which time you have fought to find a cure for all kinds of cancer, including breast cancer and the very, very painful bone cancer from which I now suffer for a second time. Why have you failed to eradicate this painful scourge of humanity?

Biden: Wow, little girl, that’s a mouthful of a question…didn’t expect you to be so…articulate…It is true, I am proud that I’ve used my time in the United States Senate to direct every dollar I can towards the fight against cancer. I’m not sure if I would characterize the current lack of a cure as a failure on my part, but we do need to do more. And that is why the Obama-Biden administration would—

Gretchen: You have seven minutes and thirty seconds left, Senator Biden.

Biden: Um…thank you, Gretchen.

Gretchen: And I’m being told by my producers that I mistakenly referred to you earlier as Tom Biden…Tom Biden. Clearly we all know your name is Joe Biden, and for that I apologize. We will grant you another five minutes for your response to make up for the mistake.

Biden: Well I’m not sure I need 13 minutes to answer this sweet young lady’s question, but as I was saying the Obama-Biden Administration would create a health care system that’s affordable for everyone, so every American can get the adequate and accessible health care they need, such as walk-in clinics in some of our nation’s larger chain retail outlets. With prevention programs that focus on proper diet and exercise, early detection methods to catch the deadliest forms of cancer and other diseases before they get out of control—

Gretchen: All right, Senator Biden has elected to forfeit his remaining time—

Biden: I’m sorry?

Gretchen: You stated that you didn’t need the full 13 minutes we have allotted you, thus, you have elected to forfeit the rest of your time. The remaining 12 minutes and 28 seconds will be added on to your aggregate time in the field dressing competition, along with any other penalty minutes.

Now back to Mr. Hannity for his second question.

Hannity: Vice President-Elect Palin, you have been married once, to your high school sweetheart and 12-time Juneau-to-Nome Snow Machine Marathon champion Todd. Meanwhile, MILF Hunter Biden is already on his second marriage…and counting…What character traits allow you to be so faithful and loyal in the sacred bond of marriage? Including in your response the words “freedoms”, “reform” and “verbiage” will earn you bonus points.

Biden: Now wait a minute my first wife, the love of my life, died in a car accident 30 years ago. I don’t see—

Gretchen: This question is for Governor Palin. Senator Biden will now be required to field dress a muskrat in addition to his mule deer. Any further interruptions will result in immediate disqualification.

Palin: Todd and I sat down and talked about me running along with Senator McCain to reform this country and really shake things up. I put it to the girls to vote because they enjoy the same freedoms as every American and they said that they wanted me to march straight to Washington and take on those fat cat ear-markers.

Hannity: You still have two seconds remaining.

Palin: Verbiage. [loud applause]

Hannity: Wow. That’s just Sarah being Sarah.

Gretchen: Ms. Jenkins, your question.

Emily: Senator *cough* Biden. Four years ago, my body was ravaged by indiscriminately destructive cancerous blood cells. My oncologist suggested a surge in the amount of chemo and radiation therapy I was receiving. Much like President Bush’s surge in Iraq, it worked. Why is this so, and would you also oppose proper medical treatment for my most recent resurgence of cancer, as you opposed the surge in Iraq?

Biden: Well, judging from those bruises on your arms and face, the treatment didn’t work that well. [stunned silence]

Uhhh…what I’m trying to say is…much like the Iraqi insurgency, your bone cancer has re-emerged because your oncologists failed to address the underlying issues of your cancer: a stable economy, a government that shares and transfers powers equally among ethnic and religious groups, and an enduring agreement as to the size and disposition of Coalition bases in all parts of the country, or in this case, your frail shell of a body. If I were you, I would elect to find another oncologist and not put up with another four years of the status quo that’s driving this country into the ground. [confused applause]

Gretchen: [pause] I can only hope that our faith in everything that is good will help us all get past those last few moments…Mr. Hannity, please distract us from this awkward reality.

Hannity: This is a two-part question: Commander-in-Chief Palin, everyone knows that Russia maintains a massive, strategic military presence along its extreme northeastern border, a mere two and a half miles away from Alaska. Can you please tell us how many command decisions you have made as Commander-in-Chief of the Alaska National Guard that have directly led to the repulsion and humiliation of the Russian marauding forces? Secondly, how many times have you communicated with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ using your personal Yahoo email account since assuming premiership of Alaska?

Palin: The answer to both questions is four, Sean. [rousing applause]

Gretchen: A truly awe-inspiring woman with an awe inspiring story. May God instill the American voters with the wisdom and blind faith to vote for the McCain-Palin ticket.

Biden: This is ludicrous! This lady can’t be vice president! Just two years ago she was the mayor of a po-dunk, nothing little ice burg in nowhere Alaska! Who give’s a crap about Alaska?? Sure, she’s good looking and she’s got legs that go from here to last Tuesday…I mean, what American male hasn’t had a fantasy about his elementary school librarian…but come on! Am I going insane?

Gretchen: Mr. Biden, please save your comments for the closing remarks.

Biden: Can it, you stuck-up floozy. Go back to talking about Clay Aiken coming out of the closet on your worthless morning gab-a-thon. You’re just jealous that you’re not a sultry, brown-eyed vixen like my counterpart over here. Maybe if you put on a pair of those Tina Fey goggles, you could replace me in the Senate! You’d have to take off that trashy street-walker wig, first.

Hannity: Senator Biden this is highly inappropriate—

Biden: You shut your mouth or I’ll take a sledge hammer to that Katrina-proof coif you’ve got perched on top of your watermelon. And wipe that Young Republican grin off your face…you look like you’ve been licking a poop-popsicle…you probably drank breast milk for breakfast this—

Gretchen: And that’s all the time we have for today…thank you for joining us for the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate. Stay tuned to FOX News for an hour-long look at Barack Obama’s destitute, Kenyan half-brother and to which Cabinet-level position the Democratic presidential candidate would appoint him if elected. Coming up next.