Pets

Ever since the first Homo sapiens splashed water from a nearby river onto a rabid distant cousin of the Irish Setter (more commonly known as the Cenozoic Spaniel) in an attempt to dissuade the beast from dismembering his monogamous life partner, dogs have been man’s best friend. Through a logical progression of events over thousands of years, man then domesticated the feline to keep the canine from becoming uppity. Upon realizing that cats are by nature snooty and aloof and, therefore, extremely ill-suited to fulfilling man’s desire to feel dominant and god-like, man turned his focus to less intelligent creatures. (Later, woman re-domesticated the cat because it was cuddly and had an independent, daring personality—something early woman wished she had.)

Remarkably, the concept of the pet has persevered through millennia rife with drought, famine and plagues, many of which were spread by animal-borne parasites. With an excess of wealth and free time, today’s man (not the defunct business-wear outlet) has turned owning pets into an art form. But simply owning a pet will not vault you into full Douche Bag status. Put a hat on that Irish Doodle, and you’re getting somewhere:

Breed to Taste
If God had intended for man to adhere to the laws of nature when it comes to breeding animals, He (or She) would not have made the spectacle of a Labrador Retriever mounting a Poodle (or dogs humping anything) so damn hilarious. Honestly, who wouldn’t want a breed of dog that sounds like a dessert and looks like a sober Andy Dick? Pay no mind to the horrible bone and organ defects created by breeding dogs so long their tiny legs can barely support their drooping intestinal tracts. You want a Doxiepoo (you guessed it, a Poodle-Dachshund mix)…so go get one!

The More the Merrier
Always wanted to be a zoo administrator but never had the time for those seven pesky years of higher education? No worries! Become the next Jack Hannah by turning your very own home into Busch Gardens Africa. First, move to Florida. The rest should come naturally. Just fill your house with 20 to 30 cats and dogs, add an alligator, some snakes and a goat chained to a pole a la Jurassic Park and voila! You may want to invest in a good carpet steamer, as the several inches of animal waste that will most assuredly layer atop your eggplant Berber will become cumbersome to navigate, even in your stylish galoshes.

Sever All Ties with Reality
The true test of a douche bag pet owner’s mettle is how far they are willing to go beyond the realm of anything considered sane and rational, for instance, taking an animal that is not a dog for a walk. Walking down the street with a cat on a leash isn’t a bad start, but nothing says “I’m unstable and live in my parents’ basement, but I'm also active,” like dragging your pet rat snake down the street. If you don’t own a pet rat snake, any snake will do. Or, why not take your fish tank out for a stroll on an office chair? Even better, walk your pet rabbit to the dog park, and then become irate and bewildered when the dogs tear it to pieces in a matter of minutes (also the great beginnings of a frivolous law suit).

Reincar-Nation!
What better way to bite your thumb in the face of science and/or the Creator (depending on your respective belief system) than by cloning recently deceased pets? Instead of mourning the loss of your beloved animal and moving on (as rational human beings would), strip its carcass of precious DNA-infused tissue, sell your house and hustle to the nearest South Korean cloning lab. Learning to properly traverse the grief cycle will certainly not be an issue, as anyone who even considers cloning deceased pets is inherently too chemically imbalanced to attract a willing spouse and, therefore, will never experience the loss of a human loved-one. As you enjoy a never ending supply of copies, you can experiment in new and exciting methods of discipline, such a strapping them to a bed and forcing them to obey your every command (and if you don’t think people who love their pet enough to sell their house in order to finance its cloning after being dead for TWO YEARS aren’t absolutely insane, then maybe you’re the problem.)