News Flash: Prominent Douche Bag Deported from Red Sox Nation

All-Star outfielder Manny Ramirez was officially deported from Red Sox Nation this afternoon in what is being described as a crackdown on illegal aliens. Naturalized Red Sox...Red Soxs...have been increasingly targeted by immigration raids believed by some to be necessary to prevent them from stealing valuable positions from American-born baseball players who, because they are less talented, normally do not stand a chance of out-playing their alien brethren.

Red Sox Nation president Theo Epstein described the deportation campaign as "necessary to preserve the integrity of baseball as America's pastime. In this time of war [apparently referring to the struggle to wrest the division title from the grasp of the Tampa Bay Rays], the allegiance of all foreign-born citizens of Red Sox Nation must logically be questioned. First it was Nomar, then Pedro, and now Manny."

Taking a page from the Alien and Sedition Acts passed between 1798 and 1801, President Epstein said that any citizen of Red Sox Nation deemed a threat to its values and security can and would be deported with minimal legal justification. Also, those citizens accused of engaging in seditious actions or "parlor speak" could face imprisonment or forced admittance to an internment camp. Though the exact location of the camp was not revealed, it is widely believed to be somewhere along Red Sox Nation's border with Azerbaijan.

Terry Francona, Red Sox Nation Treasurer and coach of its baseball team, stood firm with his president.

"Sure, we'll miss Manny's bat, but it's more important to keep our squad clear of any legal and ethical problems that could distract us during our push for the postseason. Manny wasn't Irish and he didn't even have a goatee, so we had to let him go. Sometimes, as a president, you have to make those tough decisions. I respect President Epstein for that."

In a statement released by Immigration Minister Don Zimmer, the Nation has adopted a Varitek-Goatee-Native rule. The rule protects all players whose skin tone is lighter that that of team captain Jason Varitek, as well as any player with facial hair, or those naturalized players who are native to the territory known today as North America. Under this rule, pale Japanese import Daisuke Matsuzaka, goatee'd Greek god Kevin Youklis, and half-Navajo Jacoby Ellsbury will all remain citizens.

Treasurer Francona is confident the deportation will help the Red Sox.

"Half the time, I wasn't sure if Manny understood anything I was saying," said Francona. "I told him to cut his hair or grow a beard like [David] Ortiz, but he wouldn't respond. He'd just look at me for a couple of seconds and then trot away like he had a pole shoved up his you-know-what. His hair would be bouncing everywhere....he was like the Predator with that hair. Frankly, I was scared to death of him."

Teammate and Red Sox Nation favored son Dustin Pedroia expressed relief after the late-afternoon locker room raid.

"To be honest, I thought they were coming after me," Pedroia said. "I was sure they had finally discovered that I'm white and small and therefore have no place in professional sports. I mean, it's pretty obvious that my current offensive explosion is blind luck. I close my eyes every time I swing the bat, for crying out loud! I'm just glad the attention is focused on immigrants and not my own shortcomings."

Mr. Ramirez could not immediately be reached for comment. Actually, Mr. Ramirez did immediately comment, but the unintelligible text message took several hours to decipher:

"I happy 2 b outta dat place...it no good 4 me and the food was caca maybe I go LA wit da big butts and b a blood or a crip lol...or I go 2 miami and I boat 2 home on da weekends. ttyl :P"

President Epstein vowed to remove all Ramirez jerseys and bobble-head dolls from team stores, as well as to install serious repercussions for any citizen caught with such contraband.

"Anyone seen wearing a Manny jersey could face criminal charges," said Epstein, adding, "even if he's a chunky, insecure Irishman, no matter how big of a douche bag he is. I mean it. I don't care if his sister's hot. I'll throw his ass in jail."