Instructional Video

It is a rare occurrence to stumble across an instructional video so well equipped to introduce others to the douche bag lifestyle it could have easily been titled “Horn-Rimmed Technophilia: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Black Belt Douche Silo”. Well today, the sun (actually The Post) has certainly smiled upon The Handbook. Before reading the rest of this chapter, please take a moment to view the video in question by clicking here (iPhone 3G Debuts to Eager Crowd).

To maximize the retention of the life lessons contained within these rich and powerful moving pictures, thinly veiled as a human interest piece on rabid iPhone worshippers, DBH will break it down as it has (and always will) into easy-to-digest nuggets.

Capitalize on the Weakness of Others
Ken H. teaches us a lot in just a few short sentences. First, heterosexual males should be wary of getting collagen lip injections, as the result can sometimes be quite frightening. Nonetheless, Ken has clawed his way to the top of his personal friend pile, as any good douche bag should. Ken’s friends can count on him for favors, and in return, Ken can count on his friends to sleep on a sidewalk for six hours, only to willingly abandon the head of the line minutes before a camera crew arrives to interview the person occupying that very spot. (The exact nature of Ken’s “favors” that would warrant such reciprocation is immaterial to this conversation.) Also, Ken reminds us of the first and only rule of TV interviews: awkwardly stare into the camera as often as possible. And wear the largest, un-tucked polo shirt you can find. With Birkenstocks. Douche.

Always Make Baseless, Hyperbolic Predictions of the Future
Always. This one is non-negotiable. Like Nostradamus, the world’s first human douche bag, modern day douche bags should conjure up wild prognostications using as little of the information at their disposal as they possibly can. Invisible phones in just 10 short years?? Andrew Yeah-Boyeeee was willing to put his honor on the line to make such a prediction. Of course, he knows that reducing one’s ability to see his or her electronic gadgetry accurately follows the established, natural pattern of innovation. To form this prediction, Andrew started with the world’s most important technological breakthrough to date, invisibility of wireless internet. He then (logically) applied that evolutionary trajectory to the hardware sector. It’s that simple.

How far are you willing to go? Ketchup flavored ice cream taking America by storm? Bulgaria’s rise to regional hegemony? Jason Giambi coming out of the closet as early as 2010? Hey. Do what you want to do. Right, Andrew?

Maintain Techno-Relevance
Every good douche bag should keep his or her gadget repertoire as up to date as possible, even if that means buying a product you already own. Our friend Ken already had the first generation iPhone, but because he couldn’t receive his Accenture emails and was forced to slum it with a Blackberry (most likely the Pearl…he looks like a man on the go), he had to trade up. The fact that first model year of any technology is usually rife with bugs, or simply doesn’t work at all, is irrelevant.

Be a Blogger!
Nothing says “douche bag” like thrusting your opinions upon innocent by-surfers on a weekly (or bi-weekly) basis. But, what makes a blogger a blogger? Try donning some horn-rimmed spectacles, or start that beard you’ve wanted to grow for years, but were dissuaded from doing so by your image-conscious significant other. If necessary, quit your job to maximize your spare time. Douche bag bloggers need all the time they can get to peruse the internet (or to study live specimens at Whole Foods) seeking inspiration for their latest vitriolic spewing of half-baked theories and witty turns of phrase. Can’t think of a topic? Well, you’re trying to hard. The topic of a blog is the only thing that matters less than the actual content. Bloggers earn the trust and respect of their readers with links to preexisting news articles or internet videos. A blogger could post the recipe for banana nut bread, for all the reader cares, as long as he or she includes a link to a video of a cat and a dog fighting on a trampoline.