“Cults, wonderful on the outside but on the inside can be very manipulating.”
This quote, from the eye-opening website devoted to how cults work, packs a lot of punch into one very articulate sentence. (NOTE: If you are currently or have been a cult leader, please do not click on the link above as it would violate DBH’s verbal agreement not to lead any such individuals to this treasure trove of illicit knowledge.)
Cults, or Coordinated Life Experiences (CLE) as they are commonly known, have sprung up all over the globe in one form or another since the dawn of man. True, the advent of the Internet and the ensuing liberation of information have slowed the CLE spawn rate to some degree. CLEs, however, have etched out a rich heritage and to list the names of cult leaders from centuries past would be to list a veritable Who’s Who of Douche. Until a decade ago, cult leaders regularly enjoyed the view from the zenith of the Biggest Douche Bags on the Planet List. The first time a cult leader did not occupy the number one spot on the List was when the little known 40-year-old Italian native Giacomo DiFrancesantonio vaulted to the top after going on three consecutive dates with a minor (shortly thereafter, Brodie upended Signor DiFrancesantonio. Brodie has remained atop the List ever since.)
Though technically known as Sacco Spumoni, Italian-born Bags provide myriad lessons on how to be a true douche (See Il Libro Doccia, Chapter 4: “How to Turn Brown Paper Bags Translucent with Your Hair!” and Chapter 9 “15-Year-Old Girls: The Ultimate Quarry”). But that is a subject for another chapter.
To study the tricks of the cult leader trade is to unlock the secrets of their douchiness. These valuable lessons will help put even the most wayward aspiring douche on the path to the bag. First, arm yourself with the cerebral-manipulating lessons spelled out below. Then, round up at least 10 of your most feeble-minded friends and start a CLE of your own!
Stay on Message
The CLEs of today’s world tend to smack of a religious flavor of one persuasion or another. It is widely accepted that CLEs serve as an alternative to the ho-hum established religions that currently exist. Through CLEs, a person can find meaning, guidance, and a place to dump his or her life savings. Though it doesn’t have to be connected to pre-existing religions, or based in any modicum of fact whatsoever, the message of a successful cult must remain consistent.
Perhaps Corey Feldman is the true Lord and Savior and “The Goonies” is less an entertaining movie than a moral and ethical guide by which every man and woman should live. Whatever the message, boil it down to its simplest form and pound it into the ears, eyes and noses of your following. Starting a cult is a lot like running a successful presidential campaign. The good cult leader does not wake up one morning and decide that, suddenly, Corey Haim is the Creator of All Things and one should base his or her life on the parables described within the scripture known as “The Lost Boys”. Keep it simple, keep it consistent.
Spread the Word
Once you’ve selected a message, spread it around! Ask your long-haired, computer savvy friends to help you design a website. Take out an ad in pet- or gun-related magazines to develop that flock of dangerously loyal devotees you’ve been looking for. Starting a Facebook page or blog will provide a good venue through which you can espouse your fresh brand of fundamentalist dogma (it's also a great place to share the pics of you and your gurlz up at Dewey!!!). A true douche cult leader will stop at nothing to influence as many people as possible with his or her opinions and half-baked beliefs.
For example, Sun Myung Moon, founder of the cult commonly referred to as The Moonies (a religion based on “The Goonies” doesn’t seem so far fetched, now does it??) and The Unification Church, decided to diversify his influence and, thus, created a small local newspaper called The Washington Times. Getting some A-List celebrities on board will also go a long way to boost your membership.
Dress for the God You Want, Not the One You Have
All good cults have a distinctive fashion that sets them apart from the other non-believers. From pant suits to prairie dresses, the discerning cult leader should look to dress his or her followers in a uniform that allows them to show off their individuality, yet suppresses their urges to be different.
Be creative. Robes and togas are so 1970s. Try a jaunty pant suit or the revolutionary Jodhpur-Jumper combination. Select a fabric that’s practical and breathable, such as velour or a form-fitting Lycra. Make sure that your dress code matches the daily lives of your followers—loose and billowy uniforms may get caught heavy farm machinery and severely injure your flock! A good uniform will help to unite and control even the most unwieldy of CLEs. And as a bonus, the enterprising cult leader can market his or her take on fashion to the non-believing masses…a great way to increase revenue!
A cult is only as good as its compound. What better way to demonstrate that your belief system is far superior to any other than to completely isolate your followers and cut off all competing information streams? An ideal compound is remote and sturdy enough to keep those within from wandering bleary-eyed into the dangerous world outside, yet vulnerable enough to be stormed by any number of federal or state agencies.
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