Consolidated Beer Empires

A venerable douche bag politician and inventor once said of beer:

[Girlfriend’s name], I’m almost certain I love Coors Light more than interacting or having sex with you. I don’t even like Coors Light that much, but just being near you makes me want to smash this Cold Activated Bottle on the edge of your coffee table and plunge the jagged remains into my cornea. Now, please just shut up and let me watch ‘Baseball Tonight’.

As this famous quote displays, beer has touched the lives of virtually all human beings (except Muslims, Mormons, Mennonites, Methodists, and other teetotalling religions beginning with the letter “M”). Beer is less a delicious, life-giving beverage than an international language of understanding and harmony. Every nation in the world, from America to Texas, celebrates the joy that is brewing beer.

In fact, newspapers and attractive female heads tell us the only disquietude afflicting the global beer community stems from the voracious advertising wars that persist between many of today’s leading beer companies.

But don’t let Soledad O’Brien fool you (no matter how unnaturally even her skin tone is), beer companies are piloted by some of the most sophisticated douche bags on the planet. After all, what better way to drive up sales than to foster some friendly competition? And what better way to foster some friendly competition than to launch a massive, industry-wide consolidation campaign rife with buyouts and hostile takeovers?

For instance, did you know that the same company that brews Miller products also owns the rights to Coors (which merged with Molson of Canada in 2005 (which bought Corona in 2002))? MillerCoors, as it is cleverly known, also owns Peroni, Beast Light (but not Beast Ice, which is actually brewed in an chum barrel outside of an ice fishing shack on Lake Winnebago), Icehouse, Velkopopovicky Kozel Svetly, Pilsner Urquell, and Olde English 800 Malt Liquor (among 150 other worldwide brands).

Did you also know that every brewery’s website requires one to enter his or her birth date and state or country of residence before gaining access, making it really f*cking annoying to conduct research about their respective products?

Now there’s more good news in the land of carbonated consolidation: Anheuser-Busch, the company that infuses the Great American Lager with the delightful twinge of Beechwood and Clydesdale hooves, agreed to be bought out by InBev (itself a consolidation of Belgian Interbrew SA and Brazilian AmBev).

I do not currently hold an MBA that I’m aware of, but I’m pretty sure the douche bags atop InBev’s endive tower have just orchestrated the most amazing merger since Ramon Estevez and Janet Templeton teamed up to form Charlie Sheen. The Bags over at Budweiser did not make a poor decision, first rebuffing InBev’s advances, then (after several Cosmos) giving in. In fact, they made 52 billion great decisions. But InBev holds in its hands other, less tangible and legally transferable advantages.

First and foremost, InBev is now the proud owner of the Budweiser/Bud Light Chelada, a very not-made-up mix of Bud or Bud Light with Clamato (a special blend of clam and tomato juice) whose slogan “Just Open and Enjoy” reads more like a dare than a viable marketing campaign. What reputable beer company wouldn’t want a can filled with shellfish in their repertoire?

Second, the brewer of Stella Artois and Leffe has the rare opportunity to introduce new and original products to a NASCAR track near you! Soon, Kyle Busch fans everywhere will wait in line for Bud Red Light, a low-calorie Flemish Red ale best enjoyed from a tulip glass to enhance Red Light’s sour, yet fruity finish. In 2009, the entire infield of Daytona International Speedway will be vacated to make room for InBev’s “Ho Garden”, which is exactly as it sounds: an enormous mass of picnic tables, litres of sweet Belgian white ale, and buxom women in bikini tops and hot pants dispensing Hoegaarden laser pointers.

Finally, in purchasing one of America’s most beloved icons (with its German name and Czech roots), InBev has had the distinct pleasure of ruffling the feathers of jingoistic Senators and Senatorwomen, as well as other members of Congress. Many politicians from Missouri, home to Anheuser-Busch’s headquarters, sent letters imploring the company’s executives to resist the urge to make a sound business decision in the name of contrived, misunderstood patriotism. Realizing America enjoys a free market economy, thus, U.S. corporations are not subject to the state intervention that defined French dirigisme for most of that country’s modern economic history, Adolphus Busch politely extended his middle finger upwards and happily shoveled into his mouth another forkful of anguille au vert. Well, he didn't shovel it into his own mouth. He pays people to do that kind of stuff.