News Flash: Prominent Douche Bag Deported from Red Sox Nation

All-Star outfielder Manny Ramirez was officially deported from Red Sox Nation this afternoon in what is being described as a crackdown on illegal aliens. Naturalized Red Sox...Red Soxs...have been increasingly targeted by immigration raids believed by some to be necessary to prevent them from stealing valuable positions from American-born baseball players who, because they are less talented, normally do not stand a chance of out-playing their alien brethren.

Red Sox Nation president Theo Epstein described the deportation campaign as "necessary to preserve the integrity of baseball as America's pastime. In this time of war [apparently referring to the struggle to wrest the division title from the grasp of the Tampa Bay Rays], the allegiance of all foreign-born citizens of Red Sox Nation must logically be questioned. First it was Nomar, then Pedro, and now Manny."

Taking a page from the Alien and Sedition Acts passed between 1798 and 1801, President Epstein said that any citizen of Red Sox Nation deemed a threat to its values and security can and would be deported with minimal legal justification. Also, those citizens accused of engaging in seditious actions or "parlor speak" could face imprisonment or forced admittance to an internment camp. Though the exact location of the camp was not revealed, it is widely believed to be somewhere along Red Sox Nation's border with Azerbaijan.

Terry Francona, Red Sox Nation Treasurer and coach of its baseball team, stood firm with his president.

"Sure, we'll miss Manny's bat, but it's more important to keep our squad clear of any legal and ethical problems that could distract us during our push for the postseason. Manny wasn't Irish and he didn't even have a goatee, so we had to let him go. Sometimes, as a president, you have to make those tough decisions. I respect President Epstein for that."

In a statement released by Immigration Minister Don Zimmer, the Nation has adopted a Varitek-Goatee-Native rule. The rule protects all players whose skin tone is lighter that that of team captain Jason Varitek, as well as any player with facial hair, or those naturalized players who are native to the territory known today as North America. Under this rule, pale Japanese import Daisuke Matsuzaka, goatee'd Greek god Kevin Youklis, and half-Navajo Jacoby Ellsbury will all remain citizens.

Treasurer Francona is confident the deportation will help the Red Sox.

"Half the time, I wasn't sure if Manny understood anything I was saying," said Francona. "I told him to cut his hair or grow a beard like [David] Ortiz, but he wouldn't respond. He'd just look at me for a couple of seconds and then trot away like he had a pole shoved up his you-know-what. His hair would be bouncing everywhere....he was like the Predator with that hair. Frankly, I was scared to death of him."

Teammate and Red Sox Nation favored son Dustin Pedroia expressed relief after the late-afternoon locker room raid.

"To be honest, I thought they were coming after me," Pedroia said. "I was sure they had finally discovered that I'm white and small and therefore have no place in professional sports. I mean, it's pretty obvious that my current offensive explosion is blind luck. I close my eyes every time I swing the bat, for crying out loud! I'm just glad the attention is focused on immigrants and not my own shortcomings."

Mr. Ramirez could not immediately be reached for comment. Actually, Mr. Ramirez did immediately comment, but the unintelligible text message took several hours to decipher:

"I happy 2 b outta dat place...it no good 4 me and the food was caca maybe I go LA wit da big butts and b a blood or a crip lol...or I go 2 miami and I boat 2 home on da weekends. ttyl :P"

President Epstein vowed to remove all Ramirez jerseys and bobble-head dolls from team stores, as well as to install serious repercussions for any citizen caught with such contraband.

"Anyone seen wearing a Manny jersey could face criminal charges," said Epstein, adding, "even if he's a chunky, insecure Irishman, no matter how big of a douche bag he is. I mean it. I don't care if his sister's hot. I'll throw his ass in jail."

Cults: The Fantasy Baseball Leagues of Religion

“Cults, wonderful on the outside but on the inside can be very manipulating.”

This quote, from the eye-opening website devoted to how cults work, packs a lot of punch into one very articulate sentence. (NOTE: If you are currently or have been a cult leader, please do not click on the link above as it would violate DBH’s verbal agreement not to lead any such individuals to this treasure trove of illicit knowledge.)

Cults, or Coordinated Life Experiences (CLE) as they are commonly known, have sprung up all over the globe in one form or another since the dawn of man. True, the advent of the Internet and the ensuing liberation of information have slowed the CLE spawn rate to some degree. CLEs, however, have etched out a rich heritage and to list the names of cult leaders from centuries past would be to list a veritable Who’s Who of Douche. Until a decade ago, cult leaders regularly enjoyed the view from the zenith of the Biggest Douche Bags on the Planet List. The first time a cult leader did not occupy the number one spot on the List was when the little known 40-year-old Italian native Giacomo DiFrancesantonio vaulted to the top after going on three consecutive dates with a minor (shortly thereafter, Brodie upended Signor DiFrancesantonio. Brodie has remained atop the List ever since.)

Though technically known as Sacco Spumoni, Italian-born Bags provide myriad lessons on how to be a true douche (See Il Libro Doccia, Chapter 4: “How to Turn Brown Paper Bags Translucent with Your Hair!” and Chapter 9 “15-Year-Old Girls: The Ultimate Quarry”). But that is a subject for another chapter.

To study the tricks of the cult leader trade is to unlock the secrets of their douchiness. These valuable lessons will help put even the most wayward aspiring douche on the path to the bag. First, arm yourself with the cerebral-manipulating lessons spelled out below. Then, round up at least 10 of your most feeble-minded friends and start a CLE of your own!

Stay on Message
The CLEs of today’s world tend to smack of a religious flavor of one persuasion or another. It is widely accepted that CLEs serve as an alternative to the ho-hum established religions that currently exist. Through CLEs, a person can find meaning, guidance, and a place to dump his or her life savings. Though it doesn’t have to be connected to pre-existing religions, or based in any modicum of fact whatsoever, the message of a successful cult must remain consistent.

Perhaps Corey Feldman is the true Lord and Savior and “The Goonies” is less an entertaining movie than a moral and ethical guide by which every man and woman should live. Whatever the message, boil it down to its simplest form and pound it into the ears, eyes and noses of your following. Starting a cult is a lot like running a successful presidential campaign. The good cult leader does not wake up one morning and decide that, suddenly, Corey Haim is the Creator of All Things and one should base his or her life on the parables described within the scripture known as “The Lost Boys”. Keep it simple, keep it consistent.

Spread the Word
Once you’ve selected a message, spread it around! Ask your long-haired, computer savvy friends to help you design a website. Take out an ad in pet- or gun-related magazines to develop that flock of dangerously loyal devotees you’ve been looking for. Starting a Facebook page or blog will provide a good venue through which you can espouse your fresh brand of fundamentalist dogma (it's also a great place to share the pics of you and your gurlz up at Dewey!!!). A true douche cult leader will stop at nothing to influence as many people as possible with his or her opinions and half-baked beliefs.

For example, Sun Myung Moon, founder of the cult commonly referred to as The Moonies (a religion based on “The Goonies” doesn’t seem so far fetched, now does it??) and The Unification Church, decided to diversify his influence and, thus, created a small local newspaper called The Washington Times. Getting some A-List celebrities on board will also go a long way to boost your membership.

Dress for the God You Want, Not the One You Have
All good cults have a distinctive fashion that sets them apart from the other non-believers. From pant suits to prairie dresses, the discerning cult leader should look to dress his or her followers in a uniform that allows them to show off their individuality, yet suppresses their urges to be different.

Be creative. Robes and togas are so 1970s. Try a jaunty pant suit or the revolutionary Jodhpur-Jumper combination. Select a fabric that’s practical and breathable, such as velour or a form-fitting Lycra. Make sure that your dress code matches the daily lives of your followers—loose and billowy uniforms may get caught heavy farm machinery and severely injure your flock! A good uniform will help to unite and control even the most unwieldy of CLEs. And as a bonus, the enterprising cult leader can market his or her take on fashion to the non-believing masses…a great way to increase revenue!

Compound the Issue
A cult is only as good as its compound. What better way to demonstrate that your belief system is far superior to any other than to completely isolate your followers and cut off all competing information streams? An ideal compound is remote and sturdy enough to keep those within from wandering bleary-eyed into the dangerous world outside, yet vulnerable enough to be stormed by any number of federal or state agencies.

Armed stand-offs are a great way to spread the word of your CLE, harnessing the power of free, round-the-clock cable news network coverage. After all, who would remember the Branch Davidians today, were it not for those pesky agents of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms trying in vein to breach the outer walls of David Koresh’s summer compound in Waco, TX? Texas has long been known as The Compound State, but other locations are quickly gaining ground. For example, Montana (where they pronounce the word cult “mil-ISH-uh”) has the fastest growing compound real estate market in the nation. South Dakota, with the added benefits of electricity and running water, is not far behind.

Consolidated Beer Empires

A venerable douche bag politician and inventor once said of beer:

[Girlfriend’s name], I’m almost certain I love Coors Light more than interacting or having sex with you. I don’t even like Coors Light that much, but just being near you makes me want to smash this Cold Activated Bottle on the edge of your coffee table and plunge the jagged remains into my cornea. Now, please just shut up and let me watch ‘Baseball Tonight’.

As this famous quote displays, beer has touched the lives of virtually all human beings (except Muslims, Mormons, Mennonites, Methodists, and other teetotalling religions beginning with the letter “M”). Beer is less a delicious, life-giving beverage than an international language of understanding and harmony. Every nation in the world, from America to Texas, celebrates the joy that is brewing beer.

In fact, newspapers and attractive female heads tell us the only disquietude afflicting the global beer community stems from the voracious advertising wars that persist between many of today’s leading beer companies.

But don’t let Soledad O’Brien fool you (no matter how unnaturally even her skin tone is), beer companies are piloted by some of the most sophisticated douche bags on the planet. After all, what better way to drive up sales than to foster some friendly competition? And what better way to foster some friendly competition than to launch a massive, industry-wide consolidation campaign rife with buyouts and hostile takeovers?

For instance, did you know that the same company that brews Miller products also owns the rights to Coors (which merged with Molson of Canada in 2005 (which bought Corona in 2002))? MillerCoors, as it is cleverly known, also owns Peroni, Beast Light (but not Beast Ice, which is actually brewed in an chum barrel outside of an ice fishing shack on Lake Winnebago), Icehouse, Velkopopovicky Kozel Svetly, Pilsner Urquell, and Olde English 800 Malt Liquor (among 150 other worldwide brands).

Did you also know that every brewery’s website requires one to enter his or her birth date and state or country of residence before gaining access, making it really f*cking annoying to conduct research about their respective products?

Now there’s more good news in the land of carbonated consolidation: Anheuser-Busch, the company that infuses the Great American Lager with the delightful twinge of Beechwood and Clydesdale hooves, agreed to be bought out by InBev (itself a consolidation of Belgian Interbrew SA and Brazilian AmBev).

I do not currently hold an MBA that I’m aware of, but I’m pretty sure the douche bags atop InBev’s endive tower have just orchestrated the most amazing merger since Ramon Estevez and Janet Templeton teamed up to form Charlie Sheen. The Bags over at Budweiser did not make a poor decision, first rebuffing InBev’s advances, then (after several Cosmos) giving in. In fact, they made 52 billion great decisions. But InBev holds in its hands other, less tangible and legally transferable advantages.

First and foremost, InBev is now the proud owner of the Budweiser/Bud Light Chelada, a very not-made-up mix of Bud or Bud Light with Clamato (a special blend of clam and tomato juice) whose slogan “Just Open and Enjoy” reads more like a dare than a viable marketing campaign. What reputable beer company wouldn’t want a can filled with shellfish in their repertoire?

Second, the brewer of Stella Artois and Leffe has the rare opportunity to introduce new and original products to a NASCAR track near you! Soon, Kyle Busch fans everywhere will wait in line for Bud Red Light, a low-calorie Flemish Red ale best enjoyed from a tulip glass to enhance Red Light’s sour, yet fruity finish. In 2009, the entire infield of Daytona International Speedway will be vacated to make room for InBev’s “Ho Garden”, which is exactly as it sounds: an enormous mass of picnic tables, litres of sweet Belgian white ale, and buxom women in bikini tops and hot pants dispensing Hoegaarden laser pointers.

Finally, in purchasing one of America’s most beloved icons (with its German name and Czech roots), InBev has had the distinct pleasure of ruffling the feathers of jingoistic Senators and Senatorwomen, as well as other members of Congress. Many politicians from Missouri, home to Anheuser-Busch’s headquarters, sent letters imploring the company’s executives to resist the urge to make a sound business decision in the name of contrived, misunderstood patriotism. Realizing America enjoys a free market economy, thus, U.S. corporations are not subject to the state intervention that defined French dirigisme for most of that country’s modern economic history, Adolphus Busch politely extended his middle finger upwards and happily shoveled into his mouth another forkful of anguille au vert. Well, he didn't shovel it into his own mouth. He pays people to do that kind of stuff.

Instructional Video

It is a rare occurrence to stumble across an instructional video so well equipped to introduce others to the douche bag lifestyle it could have easily been titled “Horn-Rimmed Technophilia: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Black Belt Douche Silo”. Well today, the sun (actually The Post) has certainly smiled upon The Handbook. Before reading the rest of this chapter, please take a moment to view the video in question by clicking here (iPhone 3G Debuts to Eager Crowd).

To maximize the retention of the life lessons contained within these rich and powerful moving pictures, thinly veiled as a human interest piece on rabid iPhone worshippers, DBH will break it down as it has (and always will) into easy-to-digest nuggets.

Capitalize on the Weakness of Others
Ken H. teaches us a lot in just a few short sentences. First, heterosexual males should be wary of getting collagen lip injections, as the result can sometimes be quite frightening. Nonetheless, Ken has clawed his way to the top of his personal friend pile, as any good douche bag should. Ken’s friends can count on him for favors, and in return, Ken can count on his friends to sleep on a sidewalk for six hours, only to willingly abandon the head of the line minutes before a camera crew arrives to interview the person occupying that very spot. (The exact nature of Ken’s “favors” that would warrant such reciprocation is immaterial to this conversation.) Also, Ken reminds us of the first and only rule of TV interviews: awkwardly stare into the camera as often as possible. And wear the largest, un-tucked polo shirt you can find. With Birkenstocks. Douche.

Always Make Baseless, Hyperbolic Predictions of the Future
Always. This one is non-negotiable. Like Nostradamus, the world’s first human douche bag, modern day douche bags should conjure up wild prognostications using as little of the information at their disposal as they possibly can. Invisible phones in just 10 short years?? Andrew Yeah-Boyeeee was willing to put his honor on the line to make such a prediction. Of course, he knows that reducing one’s ability to see his or her electronic gadgetry accurately follows the established, natural pattern of innovation. To form this prediction, Andrew started with the world’s most important technological breakthrough to date, invisibility of wireless internet. He then (logically) applied that evolutionary trajectory to the hardware sector. It’s that simple.

How far are you willing to go? Ketchup flavored ice cream taking America by storm? Bulgaria’s rise to regional hegemony? Jason Giambi coming out of the closet as early as 2010? Hey. Do what you want to do. Right, Andrew?

Maintain Techno-Relevance
Every good douche bag should keep his or her gadget repertoire as up to date as possible, even if that means buying a product you already own. Our friend Ken already had the first generation iPhone, but because he couldn’t receive his Accenture emails and was forced to slum it with a Blackberry (most likely the Pearl…he looks like a man on the go), he had to trade up. The fact that first model year of any technology is usually rife with bugs, or simply doesn’t work at all, is irrelevant.

Be a Blogger!
Nothing says “douche bag” like thrusting your opinions upon innocent by-surfers on a weekly (or bi-weekly) basis. But, what makes a blogger a blogger? Try donning some horn-rimmed spectacles, or start that beard you’ve wanted to grow for years, but were dissuaded from doing so by your image-conscious significant other. If necessary, quit your job to maximize your spare time. Douche bag bloggers need all the time they can get to peruse the internet (or to study live specimens at Whole Foods) seeking inspiration for their latest vitriolic spewing of half-baked theories and witty turns of phrase. Can’t think of a topic? Well, you’re trying to hard. The topic of a blog is the only thing that matters less than the actual content. Bloggers earn the trust and respect of their readers with links to preexisting news articles or internet videos. A blogger could post the recipe for banana nut bread, for all the reader cares, as long as he or she includes a link to a video of a cat and a dog fighting on a trampoline.