Marketing*

As the American economy is in the midst of its most accurate Greg Louganis impression (and DBH is not referring to the American economy’s resemblance to the illicit love child of Mario Lopez and Patrick Swayze), every man must be on top of his professional game in order to keep his head above the financial waters.

Few sectors of the economy are more competitive and crotch squeezing than marketing. A slightly incorrect application of wit and scientific research could mean million dollar losses for a major marketing firm, and certain homelessness for its non-blowout-sporting employees. For a douche bag to rise like so much silky smooth cream to the top of the marketing crop, he must follow a few simple rules:

German Engineering
It is a scientific fact that Germans are better at harnessing the power of steel and brawn than any other race—uh…culture on the planet (see: that issue of The Economist that is undoubtedly adorning your coffee table or toilet-side magazine rack as you read this).

Highlighting the fact that a product was made in Deutschland (not to be confused with DoucheLand, opening in summer 2012…Just three miles south of Hershey, PA!!!) immediately signals to the consumer that the product is hand-crafted and sturdy. Adding the words autobahn rated and low cost (unless preceded by the word hall) will certainly allow any product to outpace its competitors.

Chipotle
Before the late 1990s, the average American regularly confused the word chipotle with the ancient Mayan game wherein two teams of naked, painted warriors aimed to bounce a hard rubber ball through a small, vertically oriented, elevated stone ring using only their hips and elbows. In 2008, every American is wise to the fact that chipotle translates directly to more expensive.

Still, consumers have consistently proven that a company can insert this magic word in front of any product name and jack up the price by 50 per cent with little to no backlash. Case in point: Doritos’ Chipotle Ranch flavor outsold its ambiguously gay cousin Cooler Ranch by a ratio of 119,309 to 13 from June to September 2007. Also, after a Paul-Reubens-like fall from grace, toppled restaurant powerhouse Sizzler revamped its image by replacing its outdated moniker with the word Chipotle…and by serving its hodge-podge of crap on a tortilla in lieu of a wet, straight-from-the-dishwasher plate.

Organic
As with chipotle above, adding the word organic to any product automatically makes it sell 345 times faster than its synthetic, fertilizer-soaked alternative. As Americans irrationally dive headfirst into the swimming pool that is Going Green, this rule increases its effectiveness in all sectors of the economy. Products that before were not associated with anything remotely carbon based, such as metals or Hot Pockets, are fast becoming extremely popular with their new first name. Coupling organic with the word free, especially when in close proximity to the word arsenic can increase sales even more.

Vince with ShamWOW!
This rule could also be titled Hands Free Microphones, but that’s another chapter. Sure, Vince has the disposition and creepy eyebrow movement of a bridge troll…and he sounds like he could be running the ring toss booth at Wildwood (that hands-free microphone would certainly come in handy)…but this guy could sell riverfront vacation property in Myanmar!!! Too soon? Rumor has it that Obama for America tapped Vince to replace Robert Gibbs as its Director of Communications. Barack is now required to bring a can of cola and a carpet square to every campaign event.

*Sorry women, the glass ceiling in this industry is prohibitively low. If you really want to break into the advertising world, try learning the subtle differences between French and Italian roast coffee. Failing that, seek advice from the chapter on “Dating” and learn how to lure an unsuspecting marketing executive into legally binding nuptials.