It's the Economy, Stupid!

Sure, that guy sitting in the cubicle next to you at work is annoying. We all know him: his iPod is so loud he doesn’t realize people can hear him drumming on his desk and singing every third line of Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” in a nasally, falsetto whisper. It is true, The Handbook could devote an entire chapter to Desktop Divas, but a douche of even bigger proportions has arrived on the world stage. His name is Prices.

This week, Prices vaulted six spots to number two on the list of biggest douche bags on the planet. Take a look at the Top Ten (first place votes in parentheses):

1. Brodie (193)
2. Prices (25)
3. Sidney Crosby (2)
4. Voldemort
5. European explorers
6. R. Kelly
7. That guy at Clarendon Ballroom last weekend who sidled up to the bar and bought a drink for the girl I was clearly hitting on…and he was wearing those Cole Haan driving mocs I saw at Nordstrom the day before but couldn’t afford. They were like $300! I guess that douche bag had enough cash…he sure was flossing it last weekend…douche…
8. Snidely Whiplash
9. Karl Rove
10. That same guy from the Ballroom (see no. 7). I really wanted those shoes…dammit…

But this is not about shoes. It’s about Prices. Since 2007, Prices have cost the average American more money than gambling and Lindsay Lohan combined (smashing 2006’s record of just over $1,967,047 billion). And now, even as the U.S. economy is slumping, Prices keep rising.

Today, gas costs $4.00 per gallon, rice costs $0.21 per pound, and hiring a naked woman to clean your home costs $100 per hour. Even the price of corn is rising, which means in one week, your favorite Woodford Reserve Perfect Manhattan could run you $25.00 instead of $21.00. It is truly a tragedy. No, there’s no bigger douche bag right now than Prices, and things going from douche to douchier. But, judging by a recent interview with DBH, Prices doesn’t seem too concerned:

DBH: You’re approval ratings have hit an all time low, yet you’ve continued your meteoric rise this past year. What keeps that smile on your face?
PRICES: Well, it’s true. Pretty much everyone hates me. But it’s hard not to smile when you make this much money.
DBH: Do you have any fans at all?
PRICES: Of course! John Hofmeister, the president of the Shell Oil Company, invited me to his private floating yacht/island/waterpark/leper colony for Spring Break. We had a great time drinking fresh-clubbed baby seal wine out of panda skulls. I got to pet some of the lepers, too. With gloves on, of course.
DBH: That sounds amazing.
PRICES: Yeah, it was awesome until the velociraptors got out of their zone and then one of the dilopasauruses spit all over my Prada boat shoes.
DBH: Wasn’t that in Jurassic Park?
PRICES: Yes, he owns three of those as well. And a Wendy’s.
DBH: So you pretty much just hang out with rich people all of the time.
DBH: Pretty much. I’ve given up on poor people. I tried to go to Mali last year, but this really tall black guy got pissed off at me punched me in face. He broke my left orbital bone and I ended up needing surgery…it was a mess. He literally punched my face in. It cost me like $8,000.
DBH: Did you sue him?
PRICES: I didn’t sue him, but I got him back. Good luck trying to buy millet now, Moussa!!! [Laughs] Man…things like that remind me why I love my job.
DBH: Do you have plans for the summer?
PRICES: Actually, I’ll be working, but I have a big summer ahead of me. I’ll be in the US until July making sure people drop a C-note on a tank of gas. Then, I’m going to go skydiving with the American Dollar over the Alps. And I’m going to spend all of August snatching tortillas from the quivering, desperate fingers of young Guatemalan children.
DBH: Well, keep your hands off my chalupa!