Genesis

For thousands of years, douche bags roamed the earth unchecked, sucker-punching their way through history. Pontius Pilate…Napoleon Bonaparte…T-Rexes…Aaron Burr…Jared from the Subway commercials…These seminal figures ran roughshod over social mores and common manners. Until recently, they relied on short-lived trends, calculated language, and sheer numbers in their (often successful) attempts to influence the color and shape of the social fabric. But that was recently. This is now.

When peer pressure failed to keep hordes of flannelled twenty-somethings from throwing tiny rocks in the general direction of the World Trade Organization’s (WTO) 1999 ministerial meeting in Seattle, douche bags across America stood up and took notice. The preponderance of horned-rimmed, letter-writing, collared-shirt-under-sweater-wearing Metrosexuals in cities across the United States was beginning to threaten the livelihood of douches everywhere. Though notable exceptions existed (see: New Jersey), areas once teeming with distressed jeans and popped collars were found to be devoid of even one John Mayer fan.

A 2006 study conducted at 31 major universities confirmed this fact. High fives per hour (h5/h) plummeted 38 percent in the 10-month span between Super Bowl XXL (1,984) to the premiere of “Scary Movie 4” (753.4). In the same year, the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) reported 46 percent fewer alcohol-related automobile accidents involving Nissan 350Zs, the largest decrease for any douche bag preferred vehicle (DBPV) since the Mercury Cougar was discontinued.

The precipitous decline of douche bags across America led to a national crisis. In early 2007, President George W. Bush signed a presidential directive creating the Center for the Preservation of the Socially Dominant (CPSD). The directive charged the CPSD with studying the apparent uncontrollable decline of douche bags in America. But the CPSD would not stop there. Awash in federal funding, the CPSD would go on the offensive. The group sought to develop a strategy to combat the trend leading douche bags on a collision course to complete extinction. The CPSD brought together in one room representatives from such preeminent douche bag organizations as Accenture, FOX News, the New York Yankees, and the Chevrolet marketing team that created the “Our Country, Our Truck” ad campaign.

Their goal was to combat emerging sociological trends. After countless hours of research, hundreds of surveys, and three shipping containers filled with sugar-free Red Bull, the CPSD published a treatise that would back-hand emerging sociological trends in the testes. That book will be reprinted here in its entirety.

This is The Douche Bag Handbook.