Dating

There are few things more universal than man’s pursuit of a woman. The driving force behind this pursuit, however, varies greatly among different cultures and, within each culture, across socio-economic strata. Human males plod clumsily down the path towards love in search of affection, appreciation, intimacy and companionship—a soul mate, if you will. The douche bag, however, pursues the opposite sex only to satisfy the singular requirement of his emotional and temporal being:

Bombs.

Tits, fun bags, boobs, ta-tas, cans, the girls, the twins, the Ying-Yang Twins, Mary Kate and Ashley, Maggie Moos, Wilson Phillips, Laverne and Shirley, love pillows, sweater puppies, Las Chupacabras, The Little Mermaids, the other other other white meat, God’s Push-Pops, balloons, melons, bazookas, Smurfs, Snorks, jumblies, jigglers, chin bangers, warlocks, ski jumps, torpedoes, jugs, hooters, chesticles, the Doobie Brothers…The douche bag vocabulary for the female mammary glands is extensive and possibly more important than geometry.

To douche bags, the size and gravital defiance of a woman’s breasts is paramount to anything else a female can offer. After breasts, the prioritized list of desirable female features (from most desirable to least) is as follows:

2. Wealth (real or familial…measured in millions of dollars)
3. Breasts
4. Attractiveness
5. Absence of gag reflex
6. Emotional apathy
7. Shoe size
8. Culinary skill
9. Compatibility
10. Intelligence

Because douche bags do not waste their time with emotions or intellect, they are adept at finding inexplicably hot women with enormous breasts. To win over his quarry, a douche bag relies on such instinctual weapons as repetition, bold statements, and an ability to ignore pretty much everything women say. Take a look at this transcript of an actual conversation recorded at famed douche bag haunt Liberty Tavern in Arlington, Virginia:

DB: Sup? My name’s Brodie, what’s your names?

Girl 1: I’m Madison.

Girl 2: I work for a non-profit.

DB: (to Girl 1) My name’s Brodie. You look like you could use a Crantini.

Girl 1: Umm…ok…

Girl 2: I’ll have a Blue Moo--

DB: (turning his back on Girl 2) Have you heard of I-Banking? Those furry Ugg boots really make the rest of you look skinny by comparison! My name’s Brodie.

Girl 1: I like Crantinis because it’s like eating fruit which is healthy and I get drunk, too!

DB: I know, I have a big Con Law exam tomorrow, but I figured they didn’t give me that huge bonus so I could stay in and read books all night, right? My name’s Brodie.

Girl 1: Beer makes me fat, and I can’t drink vodka because I did once and I threw up all over my oversized designer purse.

DB: When I was in the Peace Corps in Moldova, they didn’t have any purses…but the hope in those children’s eyes finally showed me that there was some shred of decency in this world.

Girl 1: [texting her “gurlz”]

DB: Why don’t we go back to my high rise apartment and I’ll feel you up on my red Ikea couch? After that I’ll completely erode your self confidence while I string you along for the next eight weeks because of my acute fear of commitment after enduring my parents’ messy divorce as a small child.

Girl 1: Can I develop an eating disorder?

DB: Sure!

Yes, the douche bag is a crafty animal. After ensnaring his mate, the douche bag will go to great lengths not to let his significant other feel important. If the female gets a false sense of security, or the feeling that she’s in a relationship at all, the douche bag will immediately become distant and develop a sudden “Kickball/Flip Cup League” habit.

After all, a douche bag must keep his priorities in line. Remember, the only things more important in life than huge bombs are different huge bombs.