Baseball

With the baseball season rapidly approaching, it is important that douche bags are properly prepared, no matter which team they support. Oh, you’re already prepared? You watched a spring training game? Big deal. You signed up for a fantasy baseball league? Cool…stop talking about it every five minutes. I don't care which sleeper you picked in the ninth round of your chat room draft, you are not prepared.

It’s not enough to check the blocks if you want to push yourself into douchedom. One has to go that extra mile, but it’s not difficult. Simply remember the three basic fundamentals:

1. Red Sox
2. Red Sox
3. Red Sox

Red Sox fans have been roll models for aspiring douche bags everywhere since 2004. According to the IRS, Red Sox Nation is the designated country of residence for approximately 2.5 million douche bags living in America. One striving to be more of a douche bag baseball fan can learn a lot from these pros:

Buy a hat!
A backwards Red Sox hat is the most efficient way to say “I am a douche bag…throw me another Sparks!” Be creative with your choice, as there are many variations from which to choose: camouflage, shamrocks, girly pink, Japanese character (that actually translates into “rice wine vinegar stored in a burlap sack”), and the tiny socks alternate logo instead of the traditional “B”. WARNING: Medical studies show that wearing a Red Sox hat can lead to increased eye beadiness, goatees, and other Downes-syndrome-like symptoms.

Talk the talk!
Go buy a copy of The Departed. After your initial Matt-Damon-bicep-induced orgasm, repeat all of Leo DiCaprio’s lines until your fake Boston accent is as unbelievably dog poo as his. For advanced training, supplement with Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting. First, overuse the word “wicked.” Then, revel in your disdain for soft “r” sounds (i.e., “Matt Damon has a wicked hahd body,” or “Did you see Manny’s jack yestahday? It went like 200 yahds and landed the cah pahk!”). The Boston accent is the official language of Red Sox Nation, and thus, douche bags everywhere. Use it while you spew obscure statistics to unsuspecting listeners, but be careful to cite only statistics from the past four years. Statistics accrued before 2004 are obviously skewed due to the clandestine, government-led sabotage campaign that prevented the Sox from remotely resembling a viable baseball organization.

Manny!
Manny Ramirez : sucking at baseball :: Jesus Christ : remaining in caves for extended periods of time

What’s the relation? God flatly refuses to let it happen. Biblical historians proved Manny's close familial ties to Jesus decades ago. Thus, it is every douche bag’s duty to spread the word. No matter what you and your co-workers/friends/parents/legal counsel are discussing at any given moment, take time to remind them of the wonder and joy that Manny can bring to their hearts.